Loving Fiercely

Lets talk about love. Lately I have enjoyed discovering the complex mysteries of how the masculine and feminine energies work.

Author and speaker David Deida’s three stages of how the feminine evolves have deeply evoked my interest. This is my summary of how I can feel in each stage:

1. “I need a man, to be happy, to be whole”
2. “I don’t need a man to be whole. I am strong enough by myself. I don’t need a man to be happy”
3. “Being with a man opens me up more than I can open myself. I don’t need one, I can take care of myself, but I find that a certain man, opens me wide without boundaries more consistently than I do on my own”

Each day, especially in relationships I swing back and forth between each stage. My insecurities keep me at stage one and then my courage and determination progress me to stage two and my instincts drive me to stage three. This can happen multiple times each day. Dating for me inherently provokes my deepest insecurities. I don’t want to depend on a man and yet grow tired of guarding myself. I want to stop protecting my heart. I want to surrender. I ache to be taken, but do not want to settle for anything less than a deep masculine consciousness. Opening my heart to another despite my fears and insecurities is tricky. I believe that true love is opening each other deeper and deeper through everything that comes up. I need to find a man who is ready to match me, to claim me. I can do this through my openness and by being real. How could I possibly attract the right partner if I am not being true to myself?

What happens in those moments when I experience a great fear of abandonment and fear of rejection in a relationship? I understand that the masculine seeks freedom and the feminine seeks connection and these are polar opposites. So how can both the masculine and feminine be happy in a relationship? Is it possible to be in a relationship with someone where both needs can be met, without it being uneven? These are the big questions I am struggling with at the moment. I am not sure how to navigate into a relationship and give the man the freedom he needs whilst also seeking the connection I crave.

I want to feel safe, I want to be with a man who unequivocally choses me every single day. So how can I feel this, how does this look for me? I think when a man messages me or contacts me, just because, I feel a connection. When he makes me a priority in his life, I feel a connection. When he regularly puts my needs above his and I do the same for him, I feel a connection. When he looks into my eyes with raw desire, I feel a connection. When he sees me for who I truly am, I feel a connection. When he sometimes says, “I’ve got this” and allows me to relax, I feel a connection. When we can both be vulnerable, I feel a connection. When we are both interested in growth, I feel a connection. In return I can give him his freedom by not demanding his time constantly and more importantly having my own interests and my own ability to entertain myself. I can also be open and honest and not expect him to guess what I need without being demanding. This can only really be possible for me if I feel safe, secure and loved by a fully conscious man. Love should feel easy. I am not interested in exhausting rules and games.

For a fleeting moment I met such a man who I could have incredible and challenging conversations with and I naively thought that the universe had finally delivered the type of man I had asked for. I was real, vulnerable and raw with him and I thought he was everything I wanted in a partner and yet no matter how much I gave of myself I just couldn’t make him feel the same about me. As heartbreaking and painful as this sounds I had to accept that he just couldn’t show up for me in the way I needed him to. I allowed myself to get emotionally involved maybe because I have a great need and desire to return to the safe, committed relationship I was in before it was cruelly ripped from my hands. I am working hard on healing these wounds but it is a slow and often frustrating process. It has been five years since my husband’s death and I just feel so ready to be in a relationship with someone amazing. I do not want a replacement or need a man but I do want to feel that delicious, exquisite feeling of being truly loved and truly safe in a relationship. Ultimately I am looking for a true warrior and if he is scared away, that’s cool; he wasn’t the man for me.

As women we need to take pride in who we are and stop selling ourselves short. We are gorgeous emotional creatures who should show our real selves to the world every day – good or bad. You may be thinking “she is single, so how is this really working for her” and that is absolutely correct but I guess I value myself more and believe that by putting myself out there authentically, I can’t lose. I may seem like I have big needs but I refuse to settle for something or someone less – I want to be a man’s first choice. The truth is that any man, who really wanted to be with me, wouldn’t be conflicted about it – he’d be all in. And as conceited as it may sound I believe that I’m a woman worth being all in for. I know he is out there somewhere wishing for a woman exactly like me and when we finally meet, nothing about me will scare him. I deserve nothing less because I am a luscious Devine Goddess who isn’t just seeking love – I am love.

Special Note: My strength and sense of self worth is strong, yet don’t be fooled that right now in this very moment – I feel deeply hurt, wounded and have shed many tears over this fleeting encounter. I know I will survive and I love the person I am but boy sometimes I get really tired of always having to be so strong. The reality is that I am flawed with insecurities and weaknesses. It is hard to imagine that I can open my heart and risk it being hurt again. Yet I believe opening my heart is actually my most powerful strength and I refuse to close it. Sharing love and nurturing gorgeous connections is my highest purpose, and as much as it hurts when my heart is broken I will always live to my highest purpose.