I was never going to publish this personal poem. I wrote it yesterday and today I remembered the line “you’ve gotta feel it to heal it”. I don’t ever want to numb out pain or hide it because I think it will always come back and bite you when you don’t expect it.
Being emotional can scare some people but it is who I really am – an emotional being. I’ve spent much of my life resisting my true feelings. I find feelings can be numbed with alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex to name a few. I numb with control. My steadfast strength can sometimes be a hindrance. I am discovering that the only way to heal is to feel the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the loss. There is just no other way. I have tried believe me.
When I wrote this poem I felt ashamed at first thinking “why am I feeling this so deeply, shouldn’t I be able to get over it?” But then I started looking deeper and I instinctively knew that I was hiding deeper emotions of sadness, grief, neediness, longing, loneliness and even a little unworthiness. The more I tried to hide them the stronger they came up. So, I have decided to give these feelings some space to be felt by simply owning them.
This is no miracle cure because I still feel sad and in need of love but I am no longer controlling or repressing them. I am just feeling them.
I love music and it tends to evoke powerful feelings for me. So I will leave you with the spellbinding talents of Adele.