Emotional Independence

I have this belief that we are all here on Earth to learn lessons and sometimes I think that one of my goals for this lifetime is to learn emotional independence. What is emotional independence you may ask? Well to me, it is the realisation and recognition that one is responsible for creating one’s own sense of well-being and happiness.

I have spoken about this many times but am feeling closer to really embodying emotional independence for longer periods of time. I have learnt that there is a time for amazing connections with others and also time to be alone with my own company. There is a time for facing and healing the darkness, and a time for embracing and becoming one with the light; a time for adventure and activities and a time to rest. There is a time for everything.

I think the ultimate goal is to know ourselves, to accept ourselves, to love ourselves and to start living life from a more authentic, truthful and profound place.

When someone asks me a question I try to answer honestly. I try not to be influenced by other people. Sometimes I succeed but sometimes people can still press my buttons when my expectations are not met. At these times, I have to try and let go of my expectations. I will listen to their opinion but ultimately I listen to my own instincts and trust my own opinion. I now know what I like and do not like and this may confuse some people because it is different to what they thought. My mind or taste has not changed, I can just express it now without fear. I say ‘no’ when something does not suit me not to be rude but just because I value my own time. If a man is reading this he would be confused as to why someone would say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no’, but this is a common female dilemma in trying to please everyone. I no longer follow this people pleasing behaviour – no means no and yes means yes.

Other ways I am responsible for my own well-being is of course in the food I put into my body. I choose nutritious food that fuels my body and gives me the energy I need. I choose yoga, meditation, sound healing, massage and beautiful healers. I choose me.

This time alone with my three children has been a gift because I know them, I connect with them and I laugh with them. I am single in a romantic sense but you know what, I am happy and I love my life so if someone is going to be in it with me then I want them to be awesome. The ultimate act of self-love for me is to have a high regard for myself and not settle. I am ‘holding out’ and will not settle for ‘close enough’. I want depth, resonance, vulnerability and real connection. I have moments where I start to believe that I need someone to save me but then I remember that I am the heroine in my story. If I raise my standards the universe will meet me.

The great Wayne Dyer said “You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.”

Emotional independence can be complex and yet simple. I am responsible for my own well-being and happiness. I cannot blame circumstance, my past or other people if I do not live my best life. I know that bad things can happen, I know that life can seem too hard and challenging but ultimately you are responsible for how you want the story to go. Write a good one!

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Flourishing in 2017

I am a survivor. But I am not interested in only surviving; I want to flourish in this world. I want to daringly dazzle, never dimming my light.

For me to flourish is to be knocked down, acknowledge it and jump back up; to hit an obstacle and overcome it; to understand that every event or circumstance offers me valuable lessons. To savour the good one must know the bad. When things are not going to plan in my life I turn inward and ask myself how can I flourish from this instead of drown? Sometimes I turn to books, friends or songs and more often than not the answer is already within me. In silence, I can hear my intuition whispering and sometimes even yelling the answer.

Flourishing does not have to mean being enlightened or living in a Zen-like existence. For me, it also means being me and being real. On average we think about 60,000 thoughts during an average day and I guarantee you that these are not all inspiring. I still have days of feeling lousy, low and out of balance but I now know that I do not need to fix or eliminate this. It is simply part of living and for me it is part of flourishing. I want to be my biggest cheerleader not my biggest judge. So I no longer judge myself if I am not feeling sensational, I do not view myself with a critical eye, I have unwound my defences and unfolded into a butterfly.

Flourishing for me also means taking risks even if the outcome is unclear; stepping out of my circle of comfort and exploring the unknown; pushing beyond my limits; keeping my heart open when it wants to close; asking questions and seeking self-improvement and personal expansion; giving myself to others and contributing in a meaningful way; loving unconditionally; laughing uncontrollably; being passionate and curious and embracing fun and cheekiness daily.

I have many days of feeling sensational but embrace the ordinary as well. For sometimes in the ordinary moments I learn the most about myself. Sometimes in those moments something quite magical happens. Clear blue water, the wonder of a sunset, a glorious rainbow, the sound of laughter, the beauty of the moon and suddenly the ordinary moment becomes extraordinary. I enjoy the sacredness of all that is around me and am overcome with a glowing feeling of gratitude. I cannot help but flourish, smile and truly savour the magnificent power of nature.

In these moments it feels like the universe is gently reminding me that my aim and birthright is to truly flourish, surrender and to be all that I can. There is no complicated agenda or plan. I no longer need to play a part or role and no longer need to conceal myself.  Knowing the kind of person I want to be is the first step, living it out in each moment is the real challenge. If I act out of love and not desperation or need then I will flourish.

I believe that the only way to inspire anyone is to be the living, breathing, walking, talking example myself and this will be my intention for 2017. All I ever want is to be the best version of myself I can be. This may look a little different and may even seem a little weird and crazy at times but no matter what, it is me. Not a version of someone else but a true original.

Music is a great source of healing and songs play an important role in allowing me to really express myself. Whether it is belting out a ballad, shaking my ass, or letting tears flow; music always has a cleansing effect. My playlists is constantly changing, however below is my go to song at the moment. It reminds me that I am a girl on fire no matter what happens. It may sometimes be a lonely world but I will always flourish because I am a flame shining bright and definitely not backing down. I intend on being fearless in the pursuit of what sets my soul on fire.

Happy New Year my gorgeous friends and family and may 2017 be brimming with everything your heart desires. Live for today – there will never be another one quite like it.

Do you have a song that empowers you? What will your theme song be for 2017? Here is mine:

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The ultimate choice

You miss your alarm, the hot water runs out, you can’t find anything to wear, you still haven’t heard from that guy you like, that outfit just does not look as good as you thought it would, you get stuck in traffic……..and you go on to have an amazing, happy day.

Wait – what? Is that even possible?

For a long time, my answer was absolutely not. I let circumstance dictate my mood. I allowed external people or events change whether I had a good or bad day or more importantly how I felt. I am predominantly a positive, optimistic, happy person with a bright outlook of life, but I am still very human. Silly things can sometimes throw me off balance and can unwittingly alter my mood.

Let’s be honest the string of unfortunate events I listed above are more than enough to make most people have a somewhat less than perfect day. So what is the secret?

First let’s look at what makes people happy. It seems that most people think they will be happy when they achieve their goals. This could be when you are at an ideal weight or an attractive man asks you out on a date or you get a promotion or your day just runs according to plan. So what happens when these things don’t happen? From first hand experience my mood and general happiness would previously change. I would feel depleted, disappointed, and just plain lousy. It is okay to be sad, angry, upset – it is okay to feel. Just don’t live there. Positive people have negative thoughts too, they just don’t let them grow and destroy them.

Of course it is natural to sometimes feel a little depleted however I have put a very definite stop to saying to myself, “I’ll be happy WHEN……………”. I find this type of talk means that I am unintentionally sentencing myself to long periods of unhappiness – just waiting. We all need goals but our happiness should not be dependent on them. I understand that our lives might not be ideal or exactly how we would like them to look but there is an incredible power in seeing the good and what is right about our lives and not what is lacking.

“Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful of your life” – Mark Twain

I don’t want to wait to be happy when ………. I want to be happy now.

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So what happens when I achieve a goal? I find that as wonderful as it is, unfortunately, this kind of goal-oriented happiness is fleeting. As tennis star Andre Agassi said, “The moment of victory is too short to live for.” 

I have the power to decide to be happy every single day no matter what the circumstance. I am spending more and more time feeling a deep sense of contentment, simply because I choose to. Negative circumstances still happen with challenges that I need to overcome but they no longer dictate my mood – the majority of time anyway.

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This may all sound a bit like a contradiction because I always say that negative emotions build resilience and should be felt, acknowledged and not hidden. I do strongly believe this, however today I am just talking about the fact that we get to choose how we see our day. We choose how we show up in the world. We choose how to respond.

You may have noticed that I have danced around this topic many times over the years, however this time it seems to have cemented quite firmly. I have amazing rituals, practices and healers in my life but I do not need to explain my philosophies or practices to you, I just need to embody them. So each day,  I wake up  with an attitude of gratitude and during the day I listen to my own intuition, my own inner knowing and just be me.

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The simple truth is this; if you think happy thoughts they grow and if you think negative thoughts they grow.What you put out to the universe, you get back. What thoughts do you want to grow?  Seems like a no brainer to me.

I am a willing and enthusiastic student in life. I am challenged with wake-up calls, triggers and opportunities to learn and relearn concepts. Each lesson takes me to a richer deeper level of understanding and bit by bit I continue to consciously evolve. It is a truly delicious aspect of this human experience and I am experiencing the immense benefits and joy in my life daily.

The bottom line is that I can’t control the traffic, I can’t control someone else’s behaviour, I can plan as much as I like but sometimes when life doesn’t go the way I thought, then I just need to surrender, breath, follow the flow and you never know, that unexpected turn may end up being the best thing ever. You can only really control your reaction, your thoughts and how you perceive the situation. 

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So yes, it is possible to still have a sensational day when you have a somewhat crazy morning. I do not sweat the small stuff or allow small incidences to dampen my mood or happiness. Having this choice is quite a revolution to me. I have always believed in choosing how to cope with grief or an illness but to extend that to every aspect of my life no matter how minute is just glorious.

I decide how I react or let things impact me, I decide the energy that I bring into a room, I decide on my mood and the impact I have on those around me. I know this may seem very basic to some, however at times it is just so easy to let someone or something else run the show when really we should get to decide for ourselves.

As you may know I am BIG on letting go and believe in the power of releasing what doesn’t serve me and this is a perfect example of that. The big lesson is to just enjoy this day, be grateful for this moment and stop waiting for the future to happen. I am wholeheartedly saying yes to life and living each day with intention.

Look outside and enjoy the full moon tonight in all of its magnificent glory. 

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A Letter to my Children on Fathers Day

I am not going to pretend I understand how you must feel today. My father is ever-present in my life and I have been lucky enough to have him proudly by my side for the big and small events, for which I am eternally grateful. I cannot imagine how this day or let’s be honest every day feels like for you. You are walking through your teenage years without a father and this breaks my heart. It is painful because as your mother I can not do anything to fix it. I listen to you say, “I miss dad”, and my heart breaks and all I can do is hear you, hug you but I cannot make it better.

I can teach you that feeling this pain and acknowledging this pain is a wonderful stage in the healing process. I can tell you funny stories about your dad and we can watch home movies and look at photos together. I can tell you that your dad was an extraordinary father, always present, always ready to teach you something, and always had time to listen and just be with you.  But you know this already.  I know that sometimes you say, “it was not long enough“, and you want more time with him. Sometimes because he was such an amazing father it feels like the loss is even greater because the void is just so big.

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All I can do on this day, just like every other day, is be there for you. Be really present in your life. I can be a role model and show you that emotions are an important part of evolving. Feeling with our whole heart no matter how painful will help you grow as a person and being vulnerable is a true sign of great strength. I can show you that living in the moment is beautiful, valuing each person, each experience and each adventure. 

In the end though, no matter what great inspiration I have for you I can not really feel your pain or ease it. You do not have a dad to hug warmly today on Fathers Day. Even though many people think that today would be hard for you, I know the reality is that every day you miss your dad. He is not here when you run onto the basketball court, swim into a water polo match or run off a netball court. He is not here to answer your simple or complex questions or laugh at your jokes. You do not have the chance to yell out the word ‘Dad’ and he answer.  I can say to you that he is your guardian angel and always with you, which I believe but also understand more than anyone, that sometimes that is simply not enough. You want to hear his voice, his laugh, him proudly clapping his hands. You want to feel his hand in yours and see the pride in his face. You want him to be here.

I get it.

In spite of it all, today I wish you a Happy Fathers Day. You have experienced pain and loss; yet continue to dance through life with a sense of joy and gratitude. You don’t sweat the small stuff or whinge about annoying parents because you have learnt first hand that they are precious. I am a lucky mum to be raising the three of you because you never take me for granted, never consider being embarrassed to kiss me goodbye in public and you remember the simple things like asking me how my day was or how did I sleep. I treasure these special gifts. I treasure the little things. This is the purest form of  unconditional love and I thank you. I am proud of you and even though I will never pretend to understand how you must feel, I want to let you know that I am always here for you.

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To everyone who is experiencing today and every day without a parent – I send you love. X

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Let the games begin!

While riding my bike with my son recently an older gentlemen sighed and remarked to me, “Oh to be Young,” while he watched my son doing jumps on his bike in front of us. I smiled and then rode off behind my son jumping the same gutter with a massive cheeky grin on my face thinking, “indeed it is fun to be young”.

I have a friend who likes to describe his age as ageless. This sounds great but I actually love my age. My forty-two years are filled with experience, lessons, pain, wonder and joy. I wouldn’t trade a single minute, wrinkle, tear or moment of pure joy with anything. I am the main character of my life, the hero of my story and each moment, experience and year has shaped me and will continue to shape the person I am. As much as I love my age I actually rarely consider it or feel fear about ageing. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that my late husbands life only lasted 40 years, so I see ageing as a gift that he never experienced. I do believe in having an ageless heart and know that I am here to contribute to the happiness and well-being of myself and others.

In her book Dying to Be Me, the author Anita Moorjani explains that after her near-death experience — in which she literally was pronounced dead of terminal cancer — her insight was that we are here to enjoy life. With this in mind I want to be ageless when it comes to fun and making a place for  play, spontaneity and fun in my life.

As Abraham Lincoln said with such foresight:

 “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

In this hectic fast paced world it is so easy to be serious and forget the childlike behaviour inside all of us. Why should playing and having fun be over? I think we should all have fun and remind ourselves of the simple, childish pleasures of life. I think we should never let the innocent, excitable part of ourselves die. Forget feeling self-conscious and concerned about how you’ll look. I find the beauty of being this age is that I no longer really care.

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I have serious responsibilities just like everyone else but why not sit down and make a list of the things that you enjoyed doing as a kid. Then pick the things that still sound appealing. I like to ask myself – How can I bring more magic and joy into my life today? This doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, it is just a matter of finding what makes your heart sing. In order for you to achieve your goal of having more fun, schedule it.

Even though I am finally happily single (it has taken me a while to get here believe me)  I think the idea of having a play-date with your romantic partner a very cool idea – I will save some of my more creative and fun ideas for future use!

Even though we are all enjoying watching elite athletes at the Rio Olympic Games don’t forget that there is lots of fun to be had right at your door step. Why not befriend a fun person or plan a fun activity with your friends. Combine it with exercise if it appeals to you, play a team sport. Competitiveness scares me a little so try and keep the games light and fun. If the activity gets too competitive and winning and losing is the main objective, it’s not play. Playing with your romantic partner, friends, co-workers, pets and children can fuel your emotional well-being.

Here is a little sneak look at some of the items on my list

  • Colour-in and express myself artistically
  • Feel the exhilaration of riding my jet ski
  • Play board games with my children
  • Ride my bike and enjoy the wind in my hair.
  • Throw a frisbee
  • Smile at a stranger
  • Jump in the ocean and ride the waves on my body board
  • Walk in the sunshine
  • Play with my dog ‘Happy’
  • Read a brilliant book while relaxing in my hammock
  • Laugh – watch a comedy, share jokes with my children and laugh uncontrollably with my friends.
  • Dance – wild and free. Something magical happens when music and movement come together. It’s an explosion of joy
  • Light candles and take a long, warm bubble bath
  • Flirt outrageously
  • Go on a road trip
  • Try something new – be daring
  • Live fearlessly

Sharing laughter and fun can foster empathy, compassion, intimacy and trust with others. These fun activities are also part of my own self-care routine to nurture myself.

In the words of George Bernard Shaw,

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing”.

We all know that life is like a roller-coaster with many ups and downs but sometimes you have to raise your hands up, scream and just enjoy the thrill of the ride. Figuring out what makes my heart sing is another great way to get to know myself a little better.  It is all about surrendering and doing the things that light you up inside and relentlessly seeking out joy, beauty and love in the everyday.

Let the games begin!

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The Lounge

Interesting title isn’t it? You may be thinking it is not a very inspirational topic. Don’t worry I agree, but who would have thought that a lounge could be so emotionally charged.

Today is my 21st Wedding Anniversary. I could have said “would have been” but I decided not to. My husband may not be alive in a physical sense but he still plays a large part in our lives. Surprisingly it is not in a holding us back way but knowing him continues to enrich and enhance our lives. My children witnessed firsthand what a true connection between two people in a marriage looks like. They witnessed what a father looks like who gives you the greatest gift – his time. They shared laughter, fun, cheekiness and most importantly they saw and experienced unconditional love.

I continue to experience feelings of grief and loss, which is totally understandable considering the type of marriage I had. Pain is part of being truly alive and I choose to be present with it today. I have learnt to find comfort in uncomfortable times. I will heal, and I will not become bitter and hateful. I love myself too much to close out the world over some pain. Today I share this story with you as a great reminder that the events that unfold in your life are irrelevant, it is how you react and respond to them that matters the most.

My latest struggle was with my lounge. You see, my husband and I enjoyed a weekly date night every Friday in our lounge room while our young children slept. So this lounge is more than a lounge. It is however looking rather dilapidated and worn and it really needs replacing. I think when the stuffing starts falling out of the seams it has seen better days, don’t you think? So I experienced an emotional dilemma of wanting to hold onto it but knowing that I needed to let it go (Yes – I understand the symbolism).

In keeping with our strong tradition of celebrating each moment, tonight my now teenage children and I are going to light candles, enjoy some Thai takeaway, say goodbye to this lounge and celebrate our anniversary. The lounge is going but not the bond. When we finish eating I am going to sit on my own, remembering the fun filled times and gently say thanks with a grateful heart to my husband for being a true warrior in my life. Pain is inevitable, yet suffering is optional and I am the luckiest girl in the world for sharing some of my life with this beautiful soul. With this knowledge and with a sense of surrender I will live the rest of my life with joy, savouring each moment and allow my heart to be open and love in the only way I know – wildly passionate and Big.

With each breath, each word I write, and each tear that falls, I create a little more space inside me for the light to shine.

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Photo from http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-let-go-open-love/

Selflessness

I am all about self-love and having a strong self worth, however I will always be grateful for my experience with selflessness. It was a beautiful feeling to totally sacrifice myself for my husband in his moment of need. It felt pure, real and strong. When I am feeling a little self consumed it is heartwarming to remember that I truly experienced unconditional love in its highest form. It was truly beautiful to whisper in his ear “I will be alright, don’t worry about me“.

 

Lost & Found

I was never going to publish this personal poem. I wrote it yesterday and today I remembered the line “you’ve gotta feel it to heal it”. I don’t ever want to numb out pain or hide it because I think it will always come back and bite you when you don’t expect it.

Being emotional can scare some people but it is who I really am – an emotional being. I’ve spent much of my life resisting my true feelings. I find feelings can be numbed with alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex to name a few. I numb with control. My steadfast strength can sometimes be a hindrance. I am discovering that the only way to heal is to feel the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the loss. There is just no other way. I have tried believe me.

When I wrote this poem I felt ashamed at first thinking “why am I feeling this so deeply, shouldn’t I be able to get over it?” But then I started looking deeper and I instinctively knew that I was hiding deeper emotions of sadness, grief, neediness, longing, loneliness and even a little unworthiness. The more I tried to hide them the stronger they came up. So, I have decided to give these feelings some space to be felt by simply owning them.

This is no miracle cure because I still feel sad and in need of love but I am no longer controlling or repressing them. I am just feeling them.

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I love music and it tends to evoke powerful feelings for me. So I will leave you with the spellbinding talents of Adele.

Loving Fiercely

Lets talk about love. Lately I have enjoyed discovering the complex mysteries of how the masculine and feminine energies work.

Author and speaker David Deida’s three stages of how the feminine evolves have deeply evoked my interest. This is my summary of how I can feel in each stage:

  1. “I need a man, to be happy, to be whole”
  2. “I don’t need a man to be whole. I am strong enough by myself. I don’t need a man to be happy”
  3. “Being with a man opens me up more than I can open myself. I don’t need one, I can take care of myself, but I find that a certain man, opens me wide without boundaries more consistently than I do on my own”

Each day, especially in relationships I swing back and forth between each stage. My insecurities keep me at stage one and then my courage and determination progress me to stage two and my instincts drive me to stage three. This can happen multiple times each day. Dating for me inherently provokes my deepest insecurities. I don’t want to depend on a man and yet grow tired of guarding myself. I want to stop protecting my heart. I want to surrender. I ache to be taken, but do not want to settle for anything less than a deep masculine consciousness. Opening my heart to another despite my fears and insecurities is tricky. I believe that true love is opening each other deeper and deeper through everything that comes up. I need to find a man who is ready to match me, to claim me. I can do this through my openness and by being real. How could I possibly attract the right partner if I am not being true to myself?

What happens in those moments when I experience a great fear of abandonment and fear of rejection in a relationship? I understand that the masculine seeks freedom and the feminine seeks connection and these are polar opposites. So how can both the masculine and feminine be happy in a relationship? Is it possible to be in a relationship with someone where both needs can be met, without it being uneven? These are the big questions I am struggling with at the moment. I am not sure how to navigate into a relationship and give the man the freedom he needs whilst also seeking the connection I crave.

I want to feel safe, I want to be with a man who unequivocally choses me every single day. So how can I feel this, how does this look for me? I think when a man messages me or contacts me, just because, I feel a connection. When he makes me a priority in his life, I feel a connection. When he regularly puts my needs above his and I do the same for him, I feel a connection. When he looks into my eyes with raw desire, I feel a connection. When he sees me for who I truly am, I feel a connection. When he sometimes says, “I’ve got this” and allows me to relax, I feel a connection. When we can both be vulnerable, I feel a connection. When we are both interested in growth, I feel a connection. In return I can give him his freedom by not demanding his time constantly and more importantly having my own interests and my own ability to entertain myself. I can also be open and honest and not expect him to guess what I need without being demanding. This can only really be possible for me if I feel safe, secure and loved by a fully conscious man. Love should feel easy. I am not interested in exhausting rules and games.

For a fleeting moment I met such a man who I could have incredible and challenging conversations with and I naively thought that the universe had finally delivered the type of man I had asked for. I was real, vulnerable and raw with him and I thought he was everything I wanted in a partner and yet no matter how much I gave of myself I just couldn’t make him feel the same about me. As heartbreaking and painful as this sounds I had to accept that he just couldn’t show up for me in the way I needed him to. I allowed myself to get emotionally involved maybe because I have a great need and desire to return to the safe, committed relationship I was in before it was cruelly ripped from my hands. I am working hard on healing these wounds but it is a slow and often frustrating process. It has been five years since my husband’s death and I just feel so ready to be in a relationship with someone amazing. I do not want a replacement or need a man but I do want to feel that delicious, exquisite feeling of being truly loved and truly safe in a relationship. Ultimately I am looking for a true warrior and if he is scared away, that’s cool; he wasn’t the man for me.

love ourselfAs women we need to take pride in who we are and stop selling ourselves short. We are gorgeous emotional creatures who should show our real selves to the world every day – good or bad. You may be thinking “she is single, so how is this really working for her” and that is absolutely correct but I guess I value myself more and believe that by putting myself out there authentically, I can’t lose. I may seem like I have big needs but I refuse to settle for something or someone less – I want to be a man’s first choice. The truth is that any man, who really wanted to be with me, wouldn’t be conflicted about it – he’d be all in. And as conceited as it may sound I believe that I’m a woman worth being all in for. I know he is out there somewhere wishing for a woman exactly like me and when we finally meet, nothing about me will scare him. I deserve nothing less because I am a luscious Devine Goddess who isn’t just seeking love – I am love.

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Strong womanSpecial Note: My strength and sense of self worth is strong, yet don’t be fooled that right now in this very moment – I feel deeply hurt, wounded and have shed many tears over this fleeting encounter. I know I will survive and I love the person I am but boy sometimes I get really tired of always having to be so strong. The reality is that I am flawed with insecurities and weaknesses. It is hard to imagine that I can open my heart and risk it being hurt again. Yet I believe opening my heart is actually my most powerful strength and I refuse to close it. Sharing love and nurturing gorgeous connections is my highest purpose, and as much as it hurts when my heart is broken I will always live to my highest purpose.

 

Surrender

Am I a control freak? This is the question I have been asking myself a lot lately. Mainly because in nearly every aspect of my life at the moment I do not feel as though I have any control. This includes work, personal, body (especially my foot), home and friendship/relationship.

So, the big question is “What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control?”

I guess I have the usual quandary – I can try and obtain control or I can surrender. By surrendering I am not choosing the easy option in fact I am choosing to just let the cards be dealt and patiently wait. Surrender literally means to stop fighting. It does not mean I am being a bystander in my life, it just means I am letting go of my need to orchestrate the situation.

I sometimes feel that the deepest need I have is for a sense of control. When I feel out of control, I experience a powerful and uncomfortable tension in my life. However, I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I let go of this control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. I believe that the universe does have a plan but sometimes I just don’t have the patience to wait. 

Surprise you

Unfortunately last week I let my mind run the show where I should have trusted my heart and intuition. I understand that it is important to practice ways of getting outside of our thoughts and just allow them to be what they are; thoughts. Our minds are beautiful machines, but they are not all that we are. Last week I struggled to use my mind as a tool to help and support me and instead allowed it to over power and hurt me. My fear of being out of control was forcing my mind to make decisions just to regain control instead of thinking with my heart.

Below are some tools I found useful:

This is a great affirmation to say in front of the mirror:

I trust that everything will happen as it is intended to.
I honour and love myself.
There is no need to control; I am thankful for the opportunities I have been given so far.

Another great idea that works for me is reaching out to someone I value and trust, and talk about how I am feeling.

This is a great little visualisation I use if I become aware that I’m in control mode. I imagine that I’m in a small boat paddling upstream, against the current. It’s hard. It’s a fight. My vision gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and my heart rate increases.When I choose to let go and surrender, I visualise the boat turning around, me dropping the oars, and floating downstream. Sounds gorgeous doesn’t it? Don’t get me wrong I am not just letting life wash over me. I am an active participant in my life but I need to recognise what parts require my control and what parts just need my utmost surrender. 

These may seem like simple solutions but they are so easy to forget when I feel as though I am spiralling out of control and desperately wanting to regain this illusion of control. I’m still an amateur but that is okay. 

Ironically, the one decision I have control over is my ability to relinquish my need for control. So “Am I willing to let go of control?” Letting go of control is about loosening our grip, allowing ourselves to be supported and trusting that things will turn out as they are meant to. Is this easy? Not always, although it can be.

This week as I become more skilled in letting go of control I hope to release and transform a good amount of unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety from my life, my work and my relationships. I can enjoy each moment and be grateful for everything I have and understand that the truth is that I don’t have control.

Control